1. I get frustrated with my kids on a daily basis.
Yep, real “Mom of the Year” stuff here. Shouldn’t the fact that we are dealing with cancer give me a little extra PATIENCE and GRACE to handle them? On the really hard days I have to count down until bedtime just to have a goal that I know I can reach, an end to another day of madness and a glass (let’s be honest, sometimes a couple glasses) of wine.
I can’t say that I would have been prepared for one healthy baby, let alone triplets and one with cancer. This makes me feel uniquely unqualified for the situation in which I find myself.
What helps me:
– Ask for help. Very few of us are good at this but remember the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” ? Your village is your friends, neighbors, coworkers, congregation members. Don’t be afraid to ask for an hour for a hair cut or a manicure. People WANT to help. It’s up to us to allow them to do so.
– Make it a goal to get more sleep. I am a night owl and without responsibility in the morning, can keep myself busy until 2 or 3 am! Decide if that hour long Netflix episode is really worth a short temper in the morning. I have to make this a conscious decision every night.
– Be kind to yourself.
2. I want to stop giving a shit about the loss of my job.
I had trained for over 6 years to become a surgeon when my daughter got sick. Any profession you are passionate about would obviously leave a void in your life when abruptly stopped, but I am literally frustrated by this on a daily basis. I wish I could have used these circumstances to leave a job I wasn’t crazy about but as difficult as residency is, I still miss feeling like I have a purpose every day other than helplessly watching as my daughter fights this disease.
I’ve had innumerable people say “Well, at least without your job you can spend all your time with your daughter!” This is a reasonable statement until you consider that this EXACT SITUATION is what Family and Medial Leave Act (FMLA) was created for. The ability to care for yourself or your family without fear of losing your job.
What helps me:
– I’m going to be totally honest here. This was probably the MOST DIFFICULT thing for me to get over.
My babies cancer? – I’m a doctor, we can use science to fix that.
The loss of my job? – Completely out of my control, not to mention unfair and infuriating.
– Reminding myself that its just a J-O-B. Even if your define yourself my your job, as I often do, the bottom line is what will you be remembered for at your funeral. 80+hr weeks? The best TPS reports known to man? Or, your love for your family and the amazing things your life has inspired to your children to accomplish.
4. I want to know what my life will look like when this is all over.
I’m afraid that this new, constantly stressed person will become my new normal even after our treatment is over. I frequently struggle to get out of bed in the morning and constantly deal with self diagnosed depression.
I also want to know what my daughter’s life will look like and how I can best prepare her for that. Will she live with passion? Live with fear? Will any particular action or inaction on my part cause her undue stress?
5. I’m frequently selfish when I should be self-less.
Before Aly’s cancer diagnosis I was the stranger on the street that would smile at you or the passer-by that would hold the door open. Now I find myself so focused on getting through my day, I barely notice others around me. This fills me with sadness because spreading kindness is what we are called to do and I can’t seem to get out of my our head enough to do that anymore.
6. I feel like my faith is stagnant.
I want my faith to kick in and provide some constant source of security that everything will be ok, however I find that its more often a minute by minute struggle, at a bare minimum, to remain neutral, let alone faith filled. I have put time and effort into my faith and would have expected it to perform better in this valley.
By offering up my Top 6 Cancer Mom Confessions, I hope to remind other parents that they aren’t alone and that their feelings are normal.
Also, let me know what topics you are most interested in to hear more about.
